Dems: Smoke & Mirrors 101

The latest installment of the Democrat Party Agenda, as posted on their website:

"We will protect Americans at home and lead the world by telling the truth to our troops"

I guess that depends on what the meaning of "truth" is. Your current leading candidate, Hillary Clinton, is such a shining example of honesty and integrity. And whose "truth" do you mean, exactly? John Kerry's and Rosie O'Donnell's? You know, the "truth" that says our troops are terrorists? And dying for no reason? Yeah, that is a really compassionate, caring, tolerant thing to say to the people who are defending YOUR rights and freedoms. The very rights that you use to insult them. Nice. Or the "truth" (yeah, I am loving the sneer quotes. Be warned, more follow) that 9/11 was a scheme hatched by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney to boost Haliburton?

..."We believe in a strong national defense that is both tough and smart, recognizing that homeland security begins with hometown security.

Democrats have a plan that is comprehensive-- from repairing our military, to winning the war on terror, to protecting our homeland security, to ensuring success in Iraq and freeing America of its dependence on foreign oil--and it will finally prepare America for the security needs of the 21st Century. And we honor the sacrifices our troops, their families and veterans by making sure we take care of them when they come home."

Hmmm, let's just pick those three sentences apart, shall we?

...Begins with Hometown security: Um, wasn't it the Democrats who passed the entire onus of Hurricane Katrina onto President Bush and NOT the Local Hometown authorities? Oh! You must mean that you are changing course and will embrace the idea of citizens arming themselves? To provide hometown security and all. No?

Repairing our military: WHO was it that decimated the military? Wasn't it your hero Bill Clinton? Didn't he cut the military to obscenely low levels and refuse to give military raises? Wasn't it under the Clinton administration that Active military members actually qualified for welfare? ACTIVE military, no less.

Winning the War on Terror: Two parts..... I'm confused; I thought that, according to y'all, there is no such thing as the War on Terror? Two, I thought we already lost the phantom non-existent war? Again, I'm a tad perplexed.

Protecting our Homeland Security: By revoking that pesky patriot act that has caught an untold number of terrorists and foiled a butt load of plots, I guess. Not to mention giving RIGHTS to enemy combatants at Club Gitmo. Or is enemy combatant another no-no, racist term ? Is it now "poor misunderstood friends if only the Evil Bush would just TALK to them?"

Oh and making that border WIDE open. Or, I should say, wider. Which I didn't think was actually possible, but apparently it is.

Ensuring success in Iraq: See Winning the War on Terror. Yet again, I am baffled. Harry Reid et al have already told us, and our troops in the midst of FIGHTING, that we've lost. Perhaps y'all should read this Letter From a Soldier. Might help clarify things for your tunnel visioned minds. Not everything is about "getting" Bush or making him look bad, you know. Besides, he can do that well enough on his own.

Freeing America of its dependence on foreign oil: And how do you propose to do that, oh wise ones, when you won't allow any new drilling and you haven't allowed a new refinery to be built in over 30 years? Buddy up some more to your pal Hugo Chavez? Yeah, that's a good plan. He is so balanced and stable. A true strongman who now, literally, rules by decree. A Fidel Castro, but with oil. In fact he has equated himself with Castro, calling himself "The second Fidel Castro of Latin America". He also calls Saddam Hussein "A brother". But, I guess since he, dementedly, hates George W. Bush as much as y'all do, then he gets a pass and you'll gladly guzzle up his oil to fill your private jets while lecturing the rest of us on our incandescent light bulb and toilet paper addictions.

I won't even delve farther into the mess that passes for a Democrat Party agenda. Not one word ever truly means anything. It is just smoke and mirrors and not even good smoke and mirrors. Far too easy to see through and scoff at. A running litany of flowery, feel-good phrases that they hope us ignorant, Joe 6 packs will fall for, as we can't possible be as smart and progressive as they are. Well, you need new spinners, Democrats. It ain't working any longer. Hey, Karl Rove will be out of a job soon. Have y'all considered hiring?

A Tale of Two Drunks. And Gay Flamingos!

The big news of the day seems to be the Immigration/Amnesty proposed Bill, but the bases are being covered there. And covered. To the point where, frankly, I'm tired of reading and thinking about it for now. It is making my head hurt. And my BFF neighbor man isn't around to pat it and tell me not to worry my purty lil head. Incidentally, I, sadly, am either so self-involved or so suffering from early onset dementia, that I do not remember his actual name. I've taken to simply calling him "My Hero" after the snake incident, which he seems to enjoy. His wife, not so much.

So I decided to peruse the "odd" news section of the news sites today and came across some rather interesting stories. Well, interesting to me. Baffling, depressing and funny all at the same time.

The Family Court Judge heeded the "Don't Hassle the Hoff" call and gave Hoff custody of his children. His drunken, hunk o' burger eating behaviour was BETTER than his ex-wife's. Allegedly. Come on.......look at the picture. I don't even want to imagine what could possibly make someone else a worse parent. Not to mention the fact that he's been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning 13 times. Although that does speak to his fortitude and he does get self-deprecation points for answering, when asked what he regrets most about the drunken video, "I just wish I'd used a knife and fork to eat that damn burger."

The next tidbit I read was a tale of a man shot in the head.......the odd part? He slept through it. The officer called to the scene, after the man finally awoke and noticed the blood..... Oh yeah, and the gaping hole in his head, had this to say " "We're just glad he didn't suffer any life-threatening injuries with a head wound". Which wasn't a very nice thing to say. A tad insulting, really. But perhaps helps to explain how someone could get shot in the head and not notice. If there isn't much up there to begin with, it makes more sense. The other possible explanation can be found in the next sentence in the article. "Lusher came home from a night on the town about an hour before he was shot while lying in bed, McQuaid said."

I am not making that up. His name is LUSHer. Apropos, no? And is "night on the town" code word for becoming falling down piss drunk, somehow finding your way to and stumbling into your bed and blacking out in a liver screeching stupor?

Next up........Gay flamingos can adopt, but gay humans can't? Something askew, no? Every gay couple I know who adopted were like these flamingos. They really, really wanted a child. Thought about and agonized over it for a long time and then went through years of hoping and waiting and building their nests. Not like a lot of us straight people who end up having a baby because the condom broke or we overindulged and whoops! Plus, the gay couples I know willingly and gladly adopt the children who fall through the cracks otherwise. At the risk of using an immigration debate cliche and, thus, reminding myself of said debate, they lovingly adopt the children no one else wants (head. hurting. again.) End sermon.

Not to mention, they can help their sons dress better and men, let me tell you, you are in desperate need of such guidance. As for daughters, they can train them in the fine art of being bitchy/catty.

A win/win situation for everyone, truly.

Get Carter

In an unprecedented move, the White House has responded to former president Jimmy Carter, the only president who it's really difficult to remember what he looked like without imagining the pilot in Airplane crossed with a shaven bloodhound, after he claimed that the present Bush administration was the 'the worst in history'.

A spokesman for the Mr Bush said that Mr Carter was 'increasingly irrelevant', which is a little harsh given that he's about 758 years old and not as mad as a box full of frogs like most other former presidents.

The response marks a departure from the deference that sitting presidents have traditionally shown their predecessors. Personally, I think it's great. If I'd been the president of the United States of America, I'd march around telling everyone exactly what I think of them. To be able to say what he wants should be Mr Carter's absolute right.

It doesn't matter. It's not like anybody is listening.

Leo, the Gore Wanna-be

I've now got a bone to pick with Leonardo DiCaprio, or DiCraprio as my brother, sister and I like to call him while chortling snarkily. Yes, we are puerile. I also can barely get my words out from snickering whenever I call my brother "Phil-do" or when we make fun of my Mother's Scottish brogue, which she oddly hasn't lost even after 40 years here. He's twenty-five and I'm thirty mumble mumble, yet we still find this to be the height of humor. Envious of our sharp Michael Ian Black -like (I love him) wit? You want to hang with us now, don't you?

Anyhoo, I keep tabs on DiCraprio just to have tidbits handy for our next familial insult fest. Discovered today that he is jumping on the Al Bore (another one of our fabulous turns of phrase) bandwagon and has made a dire warning/global warming movie. Turns out, DiCraprio might actually be an accurate name, as he apparently does have, in fact, shit for brains.

Harsh, you may think. But not once you realize his film doesn't even attempt to debate the very existence of global warming. It takes it as a given and claims we evil humans HAVE changed the climate. It also offers such esoteric questions as "how did mankind let nature deteriorate to this point?

DiCaprio defended Gore from criticism over the amount of energy he has been reportedly using to jet around the world and to run his home.

"Don't shoot the messenger", he said. "This person is trying to relay a message to the public and the way that he travels should not be splayed out like that."

DiCaprio said it should be oil companies that came under scrutiny and that the Government should make systematic change.

The US star said he took steps in his own life to reduce global warming, telling the famous film festival: "I do try to live my life in a green manner. I have installed solar panels in my house and the car that I drive is a hybrid one."

Yo, Leo....glad you drive some wussy hybrid ( how often do you actually DRIVE yourself?) and all, but what about that Thai beach you desecrated for no good reason. To film The Beach? Which was an utter waste of time, energy and nature (did anyone SEE that movie? And, if so, will you admit to it? )

As for "not splaying out" (whatever that means) how the wise and almighty Goreacle travels because he brings a message to us, the lowly public, who are greedily doing things like heating our apartments and suburban homes and driving to REAL jobs as opposed to whisking off in private jets, heating and lighting 20,000 s.f. homes or staging HUGE stadium rock concerts to promote the conservation of energy (explain that one to me), I've got a message for you --- hypocrisy, thy name is Leo. There, now I'm a messenger. Which must mean, based on your own reasoning, that I can now expand my carbon footprint exponentially with no guilt. What a relief!

Also revealed at the Cannes premiere was this insight into Leo's galactically huge ego and complete lack of understanding of irony; "Asked after the premiere of "The 11th Hour" whether he had taken a fuel-guzzling jet on his way to the French Riviera, the "Titanic" star spat back sarcastically: "No, I took a train across the Atlantic." I see, you HAD to. Sort of like how you HAD to destroy your neighbor's trees and plants to build your private basketball court.

Hmm, Leo, pot. kettle. black. To use one of Kevin Godlington's favorite phrases, which is also one of my favorites along with Meow (said after a bitchy insult, obviously). Last suggestion, Leo. Don't emulate your hero, Al Gore, too much. I suspect fat and bitter is not a good look for you.

Bono no no

Hilary Clinton, a life-sized version of those wobbly-headed dolls you put in the back window of your car, is having a vote to decide which of the following songs becomes the theme tune to her election campaign:

U2 - City of Blinding Lights
U2 - Beautiful Day
KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See
Smash Mouth - I'm a Believer
The Temptations - Get Ready
Dixie Chicks - Ready To Run
Shania Twain - Rock This Country
Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now
The Staple Singers - I'll Take You There

I urge you, people of America, not to vote for U2. Yes, the selection is dire. In fact, it's as if popular culture has awoken to survey the scene of the early 21st Century, balked at the thought of it having accidentally caught a performance by the Black Eyed Peas and then rammed it's head right up it's own dick in despair.

But still, don't vote for U2. We can't even begin to imagine how smug a smile will appear upon the inexcusable face of Bono, the short-arsed, ant-headed, sanctimonious little git that even someone with the patience of Nelson Mandela secretly despises answering the phone to. However, projections carried out on future-predicting super computers estimate that the grin shall be so smug it can only be rivalled by a man with a cock so enormous it requires a permit just after he has won half of the moon in a game of cards.

If a U2 song wins, politics is dead. Bono will truly believe he is the President of the United States of America and you'll all be forced to bow down at his puny feet like he's General Zod from Superman 2. Except in a worse outfit.

Instead, please vote for Jesus Jones, a British band of the late 80s and early 90s whose legendary appetite for drugs could have killed a baby rhino. What better sight than seeing the former first lady... a woman so utterly without sexual presence that it's not preposterous to imagine she has genitals like a Barbie doll, wave her way into the White House to a song all about destroying your own brain with chemical assistance. What a wonderful moment in politics that would be. It would make that whole 'husband/fluids/dress' thing seem like so long ago.

Mike Wallace is an Ass and Other Tales of Media Bias

Romney's wife, Ann, who converted to the Mormon Church before they were married, is also interviewed. Asked if he had premarital sex with Ann, Romney tells Wallace, "No, I'm sorry. We don’t get into those things. The answer is no" before ending that line of questioning." More of the enthralling interview can be read here.

What a completely asinine, irrelevant question. Seriously, who cares? I actually hope he did test-drive before purchase. It's only practical. I also found it quite crass that he asked the question with Mitt Romney's WIFE sitting right there. Plus, I thought sex lives were off limits. Personal and all. At least that is what we heard ad nauseum during Clinton's administration.

Will Mike Wallace ask similar questions of the Democrat candidates? Like Hillary...."So, Hillary, when did you first realize that you had "special feelings" for women?" (not that there is anything wrong with that) or to Bill, who has been making the media rounds for his wife of late: "Bill, when did you first cheat on your "wife"?" Somehow I think I shouldn't hold my breath.

Then there was this unbiased article about President Bush during the Queen's visit.

WASHINGTON, May 4 — How does George W. Bush, a towel-snapping Texan who puts his feet on the coffee table, drinks water straight from the bottle and was once caught on tape talking with food in his mouth prepare for a state dinner with the queen?

Good Lord! Drinking water from a bottle? The boor! Understandably, the press is upset over such gauche manners because our last President was the model of decorum. Oh, except for that part about not knowing you are supposed to SMOKE a cigar. Or that it is proper etiquette to cough up the dry cleaning money if you make a mess on someone's dress. And lest we forget, the knock-down, redneck fights with the little woman wherein ashtrays were heaved about. Hey, by the way, where were all the anti-smoking nannies then?

The Press, when it comes to candidates on the Left, have resorted to leading, ridiculous questions to make certain candidates look fabulous, at least in their own delusional minds. They've been falling over their own feet in their rush to anoint Madame Hillary. Likely because they also can't seem to get over the fact that Bill Clinton is no longer in the White House. Chris Matthews, as moderator of the first Republican Presidential Debate, even asked the candidates "Should Bill Clinton still be in the White House?". Um, Chris? Term limits? Elections? Have you heard of them? Let it go, dude. He's been out for 6 plus years. It's pathetically similar to the way they don't seem to realize George Bush isn't up for re-election.

As a result, any interview I see lately with Hillary, Bill or Obama (Chris Matthews et al. do now seem to be hedging their bets a bit like the media whores, quite literally, that they are) causes my mind to wander and I see Chris Matthews face change into Michael Palin's. I then hear only:

...Ooh, You are so big...
..ooh, You are so big...
..So absolutely huge.
...So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O (insert either Clinton or Obama here), for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
And barefaced flattery.
But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen.

P.S. If my mind must wander to British men, I'd prefer it wandering to Kevin Godlington. I'd like to see him interview any of the candidates. In fact, I'd pay to see it. Among other things.

Doublethink; Not Just For The Left Any Longer

I have officially switched from a conservative (small c intentional) to a Libertarian. Why? Because the right is now in collusion with the Left in plundering our liberties. Political Correctness is running amok on BOTH sides of the aisle and I've had enough. Doublethink is now rampant on the Right. Doublethink, as predicted by George Orwell, is holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them. Like proclaiming the belief in Freedom of Speech and Thought and individual liberty, while at the same time passing Hate Crime legislation (legislating THOUGHT), calling for the censoring of individuals with whom you disagree or usurping private business and personal rights by smoking bans.

In the past month or so, the following have all occurred. And these are just 4 examples:


Imus fired for saying Nappy Headed Hos. Words used ALL the time, but somehow punishable only when uttered by a cadaver-like old white guy.

Radio DJs fired for making fun of Chinese restaurants. If that is a crime, I am guilty.

Movies will now base ratings on SMOKING in a film. Yes, just the very SIGHT of smoking is now something that needs to be censored. I won't even get into actual smoking bans again.

Opie and Andy now under fire for an admittedly awful segment that I am in NO way condoning, in which a homeless guest had a delusional rant about violating Secretary Rice, the Queen and Laura Bush. However, I've seen "jokes" about the actual murder of VP Cheney, Pres Bush and others just brushed away. I'd also be willing to bet that most people up in arms over the inclusion of Laura Bush and Condaleeza Rice secretly aren't too upset about the Queen part. I've also read many, many "jokes" on Right minded sites suggesting the violation of Rosie O'Donnell by a man. Is it only offensive when it is about a person you like?

Yes, I know and understand the arguments for "acceptable standards" etc. I get the concept; I just disagree and believe our forefathers would have as well. I find myself amusing. Most people do not. I usually just get odd looks. Some are offended by things I say. Should I be silenced? Wait.......don't answer that; My feelings are delicate. I'll use a better example. Kevin Godlington; he speaks his mind, often in a blunt manner that could upset some whiner. Should he be forced off the air? What about Rush Limbaugh? Greg Gutfeld? Mark Levin? Mark Steyn? You see where I'm going with this.

There is ALWAYS someone that offends someone else. How can we put greater weight on one type of "offense" than another? If we allow that to happen just because we personally don't like the speaker or the speech and we allow them to be vilified and censored, we can then no longer complain about things like this:

School paper not allowed to print FACTS; deemed "harassment".

"The Primary Source published a satirical ad filled with factual assertions and because this angered people it was ruled to be unprotected harassment. If what the complaining students wanted to say was that the TPS facts were wrong, then–while this still would not be harassment–that could have been an interesting debate. But instead, in sadly predictable fashion, the students plowed ahead with a harassment claim that, based on the hearing panel’s decision, appeared not even to raise the issue of whether or not the statements in the ad were true, but turned only on how they made people feel. A panel consisting of both faculty and students found the publication guilty in flagrant abuse of what harassment case law and regulations actually say, and demonstrating total ignorance of the principles of a free society. Even in libel law (one of the oldest exceptions to the rule of free speech is that you can be punished for defaming people) truth is rightfully an absolute defense. Here, the fact that TPS printed verifiable information—with citations—was apparently no defense, nor was the fact that the ad concerned contentious issues of dire global importance. Such an anemic conception of free speech should chill anyone who cares about basic rights and democracy itself.

I doubt that the Tufts disciplinary board thought through the full ramifications of their actions. If a Muslim student had published these same statements in an article calling for reform in Islam, would that be harassment? If Tufts wished to be at all consistent (a dubious bet here), it would be."

It is no longer just a matter of incendiary speech. Now, you are no longer allowed to say anything that might simply offend someone. Even if they are facts. Facts! THAT is the slippery slope about which I've been ranting (and yelling) of late. It isn't slippery any longer. We've reached the bottom.

It is our attitude toward free thought and free expression that will determine our fate. There must be no limit on the range of temperate discussion, no limits on thought. No subject must be taboo. No censor must preside at our assemblies.
William O. Douglas

Restriction on free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.
William O. Douglas

literature should not be suppressed merely because it offends the moral code of the censor.
William O. Douglas

If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.
George Washington

Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself.
Salman Rushdie

Queen age angst

Now that The Queen's visit to America is over and she's back at the airport, stuffing her musty grey knickers with duty free cigarettes and Swiss chocolate like a huge teabag-faced magpie, we can look back at what she has achieved over the past few weeks.

Firstly, the staff at Virginia airport got a few hours off, during which they were made to stand around and coo whilst the Monarch descended from her economy class flight as though they were a parent applauding a child who had successfully shit into a potty of it's own volition for the first time.

Secondly, she has done more for the popularity of George W Bush in Britain than anything he or his government has done during his time in office. Whether you are for or against his politics, there is no denying that seeing him hop from foot to foot with trepidation as he greeted her like a man with his trembling balls in the teetering mouth of a doberman was an endearing sight. And who can blame him? Being visited by The Queen of England is at least seventeen times scarier than waking to find yourself naked on national television, giant bats having stolen your cock. She is the grandma-you-don't-want-to-come-and-visit of the world.

And by reacting like a lost little boy, just as we all would, Mr Bush has shown to a world that likes to pretend he is in fact some kind of blood sucking space lizard that when an old woman with all the charm of a broken toaster and a disposition so miserable her presence alone makes you pray that the country you are standing on will sink into the sea comes to tea, he hates it as much as the rest of us.

Good on you Mr Bush, you should act human more often. Perhaps making a national address about your disgust that the strange old woman who came to stay and reeked of piss and biscuits had sex in your spare bedroom would be a good start.

Incidentally, no old women ever come to visit me any more. The only house guest that makes me nervous is Kevin Godlington. I'm not saying he's a queen you understand. It's just that my grandma never insisted we share a bed.

D.
myspace.com/davebecomemonster

French Lessons; Socialists, Elections and Riots, oh my!

I usually find it difficult to distinguish between protesters and the French. Both groups are unwashed, rude, smug and self-involved. With the senses of humour (sense of humours?) the size of gnats, generally. In this case, however, they were one in the same:

"Official figures released on Monday said demonstrators set fire to 730 cars and injured 78 policemen across France, with 592 people arrested in the violent protests against the tough-talking former interior minister."

Hmm, I guess the police don't follow the same rules as the French military. Shouldn't they have followed protocol and automatically surrendered, curled up in the fetal position? How odd!

It warms my heart to see, however, that "hate figures" and slogans cross cultural and lingual lines.

"Sarkozy made his name as a law-and-order hardliner who also tightened France's immigration laws, making him a hate figure for the left. Slogans spray-painted on the streets of Paris overnight included "Sarkozy fascist."

If they added something about either oil or Haliburton, it could have been Seattle. Or San Fransisco. Except for the setting of cars aflame; not good for the carbon emissions problem and all.

I'm waiting to see what will happen when Sarkozy attempts to, as promised, do away with the 35 hour work week. It is a bit ironic that the people protesting when that occurs will likely be ones who do not work at all. Except for, on occasion, car manufacturing. During slow times ( in between surrendering and striking), the French actually do make cars. Sort of. Not for practical use, of course (Hello? Renault or Fiat anyone?), but to have something ready to burn for the next riot. 730 "cars" burned this time; a great success. About $700 in damages.

Sarkozy also ran on a platform of promising to shut down redundant government programs. I'm a little confused over that one, as isn't the term redundant government programs redundant itself? Maybe you need to be French to get it.

I'm rather amused by the reaction from the Left here in the States as well over the defeat of the Socialist, Segolene Royale. I suspect some are just upset that one of the very few tap-worthy chicks in politics lost, but they can't admit to objectifying a woman. Or else they are upset because their claims of "everyone hates America now because of George Bush" aren't standing up to closer examination. Sarkozy ran on a strong Pro-American stance. And won. If America was so unilaterally despised, his much admitted admiration for the United States would surely have sunk his campaign. Sort of like how Joe Lieberman was a goner due to his hawkish Iraq War stance. That didn't work out so well for the Left either.

In any event, I say Kudos, France! I will remain hopeful that the election of Sarkozy will also bode well for the EU. I won't hold my breath, but I'll attempt optimism. Either way, I'm glad to see Chirac finally go. He became so pathetic that I couldn't even muster up the energy to insult him any longer. However, once out of office, the corruption probes against Chirac can begin in earnest which, I guarantee, will provide much fodder for mockery. Joy! Or, rather, Joie!

Random Thoughts & Unanswered Questions

Is it just me or does Greg Gutfeld look like Fred Savage's slightly deranged, hung-over, funny older brother? Not that there's anything wrong with that; I think it's hot.

Am I the last person in America to notice that whoopee cushions (I don't know why Fred Savage brings to my mind whoopee cushions, but he does) are now self-inflating? How cool is that! It used to be near impossible to blow them up. First you had to find a pencil or something to pry open the flappy part and then you had to try to blow while hysterically, silently cackling in anticipation of the sound. And will I ever mature and find them NOT funny? I picked one up today (loudly announcing it was for my 4 year old daughter. LIAR!) and had it perched waiting on my husband's recliner at 1 and he doesn't even get home until 7. Then slunk around all night, snickering non-stop, casually, strategically placing it everywhere he attempted to sit. (He was not amused. Cranky old man! )

Speaking of men, why are creepy, middle-aged men and militant lesbians so obsessed with my reproductive rights? I have never, not once, woken up thinking "Gee, I hope my reproductive rights are protected today". What are reproductive rights anyway? Wouldn't that mean the right to reproduce? I can see that being a concern in say, China, but I'm pretty sure no one is stopping reproduction here. Dannielynn Smith (or is it Birkhead now?) is proof of that.

Which makes me think of rights that I do care about. Smoking bans infuriate me, but New Jersey's ban in casinos is kind of funny. New Jersey has now forced Atlantic City casinos to go 75% non-smoking, 25% smoking. Why did they choose to make the penny slots the only smoking area? (according to my little brother, who called me from Atlantic City late last night. He was more than a tad inebriated, though.) If second-hand smoke is so deadly, isn't that then putting our most vulnerable citizens, the poor and the elderly, at great risk? Because they are certainly the only ones playing the penny slots. Even I am not that cheap. Is it an under-handed, yet evil genius, scheme to trim the social security and welfare rolls?

Social Security schemes make me think of our esteemed (cough cough) Government and, thus, the next Presidential election. What's up with the whole brouhaha over Mitt Romney being Mormon? It's not like he's a Jehovah's Witness. (sorry, Jehovah's! Was too easy and I'm certain you must be immune to the jokes by now). He won't send people to ring our doorbells incessantly or force us to read Watchtower tracts. At least I don't think that's part of the deal. Plus, I thought Mormonism was kind of hip now after Big Love and all. Personally, I don't care that he's Mormon; I won't vote for him because he is prettier than I and I am just that shallow. And his hair is freakishly perfect.

On the flip side, what's with Obama-mania? Over what? His only real claim to fame seems to me to be the ability to string together a succession of cliches with a serious expression and without cracking himself up. If that is the criteria, I'm starting my own exploratory committee tomorrow.

Clash of the Titans

Next week Tony Blair will announce that he is to step down as Prime Minister of Great Britain after 10 years in charge. The reins of government will then be handed over to Gordon Brown, upon whom Shrek was based. This is a worrying development. Gordon Brown, like Peter Falk, has only got one eye. That means that within weeks, Britain will be run by a Cyclops. Now, I don't know a lot about Greek mythology, but this has to bad news. Soon the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will be the least of our worries.

Before long, The Kracken, a hideous man-serpent, will emerge from the sea and capture 15 of our ugliest Navy personnel before parading them on television wearing really bad suits, smoking cigarettes and looking like they'd be more adept asking "fries with that?" than they would protecting their country by patrolling the oceans. The whole country will then begin to suspect that the British Royal Navy consists entirely of malnourished, mentally subnormal chimps in nice uniforms.

Hydra, a snake type creature with loads of heads, will release videos of himself wearing a selection of really shit bandanas wrapped around his many faces, holding some guns and ranting incoherently about martyrdom in front of what appears to be his grandma's curtains.

And finally, in a sex scandal that will shake Parliament to it's very core, it will transpire that late at night, Cyclops Brown sneaks into the House of Commons and humps Medusa over the Speaker's chair. And because he's a politician, he probably pays her to use his chest as a toilet as well, the dirty mythological beast.

Frankly, the thought of the country being run by a Cyclops terrifies me. Thats why I'm going to move to Japan, where I hear Prime Minister Godzilla has been making some excellent improvements to public transport and the health service.

So Long, Gideon. Hello, An Inconvenient Truth

California Hotels Go Green With Low-Flow Toilets, Solar Lights

By Ari Levy and Carole Zimmer

April 27 (Bloomberg) -- Visitors to the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel and Spa won't find the Gideon Bible in the nightstand drawer. Instead, on the bureau will be a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth,'' former Vice President Al Gore's book about global warming.

They'll also find the Gaia equipped with waterless urinals, solar lighting and recycled paper as it marches toward becoming California's first hotel certified as ``green,'' or benevolent to the environment. Similar features are found 35 miles south at San Francisco's Orchard Garden Hotel, which competes for customers with neighboring luxury hotels like the Ritz-Carlton and Fairmont.

I'll miss the Gideon bibles. I know Global Warming is also a religion and all, but still. That was always the first thing for which I checked upon entering a hotel room because I'll be damned if I don't get everything I paid for. That, and the sad little 3 sheet thick notepad. I've lost an easy, stand-by joke as well. The old pull out the bible, point and snicker and wiggle your eyebrows like a lecher while asking "Shall we peruse the passages on fornication?"or "Guess we won't be needing this tonight, heh heh" or something just as cringe-worthy along those lines. (Please tell me that isn't just me. If it is, be kind and politely avert your eyes.) Man, I'm so going to hell. Which I now picture as being stuck on a bio-diesel bus in perpetuity with Laurie David, Sheryl Crow, Al Gore and one roll of toilet paper among us.

It's changes like this that make me feel old and reminiscent for times past. It started with the demotion of Pluto. I started imagining the hurling of insults like "You are so old that in your day Pluto was a planet". Which led me to start thinking of other things from the good old days. Like celebrities.

Remember when things like Hanoi Jane Fonda were a one-off? A huge deal that was discussed for literally YEARS. Other celebrities would get drunk or stoned and make a fool of themselves on occasion, causing mass snickering and fervor due, in part, to the novelty of it. Now, it is a daily event and I can no longer work up any enthusiasm for it. Sooo last decade.

Like little black books. The discovery of a Madam and a little black book used to be reason for great excitement. Now, who cares? The DC Madam's book has, so far, uncovered some loser in the State Dept whom no one knows. I had to invent my own version of a page from the DC Madam's book just to interest myself in the story. The page in my head contains notes of special requests from men who are into paradox. Or irony. I get those two confused. Part of my page looks like this:

Tom Tancredo: standing order for a Mexican "masseuse".
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Likes to role-play as a Republican.
Bill Clinton: NOT a customer.
Ted Kennedy: requests Teetotalers only.
Harry Reid: prefers to dress as a baby......... Wait, that one is true, I think.

Gone also are the days of shock over the discovery of a female teacher having an affair with a young male student. Today, it is a given. And they don't even have to marry the lads afterwards. (trailblazer Mary Kay Letourneau is kicking herself black and blue for breaking that glass ceiling a few years too soon). No more glorious, self-righteous indignation over a fallen man of the cloth either. Lord how I miss Jimmy Swaggart, tears running streaks through his make-up, hands in the air howling "Forgive me. I have sinned". Today, it isn't just a simple tryst in a hotel room with a woman. Far too much information is given now, which makes it a tad bit gross and no longer funny. Or at least not as funny.

Which brings me back, sort of, to the Bible. And hotels.

Thank you for your years of quiet service, Gideon. I'll remember you fondly. I'm now off to listen to my Walkman (an early ipod, for those born after 1980) and wax melancholy over the loss of music that just was and whose most daring political statement was Like a Virgin. Or else lay outside sunning, imagining life before tanning was deemed not good for you. I can't decide which.