Clash of the Titans

Next week Tony Blair will announce that he is to step down as Prime Minister of Great Britain after 10 years in charge. The reins of government will then be handed over to Gordon Brown, upon whom Shrek was based. This is a worrying development. Gordon Brown, like Peter Falk, has only got one eye. That means that within weeks, Britain will be run by a Cyclops. Now, I don't know a lot about Greek mythology, but this has to bad news. Soon the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will be the least of our worries.

Before long, The Kracken, a hideous man-serpent, will emerge from the sea and capture 15 of our ugliest Navy personnel before parading them on television wearing really bad suits, smoking cigarettes and looking like they'd be more adept asking "fries with that?" than they would protecting their country by patrolling the oceans. The whole country will then begin to suspect that the British Royal Navy consists entirely of malnourished, mentally subnormal chimps in nice uniforms.

Hydra, a snake type creature with loads of heads, will release videos of himself wearing a selection of really shit bandanas wrapped around his many faces, holding some guns and ranting incoherently about martyrdom in front of what appears to be his grandma's curtains.

And finally, in a sex scandal that will shake Parliament to it's very core, it will transpire that late at night, Cyclops Brown sneaks into the House of Commons and humps Medusa over the Speaker's chair. And because he's a politician, he probably pays her to use his chest as a toilet as well, the dirty mythological beast.

Frankly, the thought of the country being run by a Cyclops terrifies me. Thats why I'm going to move to Japan, where I hear Prime Minister Godzilla has been making some excellent improvements to public transport and the health service.