A drunken French election Keira Knightley epiphany

Yesterday after the first round of the French elections it became apparent that the far right politician Jean-Marie Le Pen, a huge angry testicle in glasses, won't be the next President of France. French politics doesn't normally concern me, but this man's questionable attitudes towards topics that have the power to worsen the way of life of many, many people are, well, largely abhorrent. If I came home one day and found him in my kitchen I'd go and stand in the garden. If I came home one day and found a framed picture of him in the kitchen, I'd go and fetch a spade from the garden and use it to smash the framed picture to a million tiny pieces. Only then would I question the sanity of someone who would not only frame a picture of a Jean-Marie Le Pen, but then have the gall to leave it in my kitchen. I hope that if one day the planet Mars crashes into the Earth it lands directly on his car. And I hope that when it does it's wearing a massive, planet-sized t-shirt that says 'Jean-Marie Le Pen has a head that looks a bit like a huge angry testicle', just so that we can all look at the pictures and laugh about it together afterwards.

The question is, had he got into power would I have been too apathetic to have protested about it? The answer is probably yes.

Meanwhile, in very probably unrelated news, it's my birthday today. I went out to celebrate it on Saturday and early on Sunday found myself in a very nice bar, which was also being frequented by the actress Keira Knightley, the incredibly attractive daughter of a duck and a broom. Normally I'm never particularly moved to stare at people, it's just rude, but because she's famous and I was drunk I was staring at her as I crossed the bar. This is why I walked straight into an enormous stuffed horse, an actual stuffed horse which I'd previously not noticed, and knocked myself unconscious. Friends reported later that Keira stifled a giggle. The horse was unharmed, if a little embarrassed.

Now, do I care more about looking at Keira Knightley than I do the election of tyrant in waiting Jean-Marie Le Pen? Secretly, yes I do. And if enough people are as stupid as me at 2am on a Sunday morning and become more interested in the faintest flickering of celebrity than they do much more important things, then one day someone like Jean-Marie Le Pen will get in. And by then it will be too late to go and stand in the garden. We'll all have been knocked out by a stuffed horse, sitting on the floor of a bar covered in booze and wondering where it came from like a drunken loser. And remember, the drunken loser never gets to go home with the pretty duck/broom lady. There is a lesson in that for us all. Probably, somewhere.