Bono no no

Hilary Clinton, a life-sized version of those wobbly-headed dolls you put in the back window of your car, is having a vote to decide which of the following songs becomes the theme tune to her election campaign:

U2 - City of Blinding Lights
U2 - Beautiful Day
KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See
Smash Mouth - I'm a Believer
The Temptations - Get Ready
Dixie Chicks - Ready To Run
Shania Twain - Rock This Country
Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now
The Staple Singers - I'll Take You There

I urge you, people of America, not to vote for U2. Yes, the selection is dire. In fact, it's as if popular culture has awoken to survey the scene of the early 21st Century, balked at the thought of it having accidentally caught a performance by the Black Eyed Peas and then rammed it's head right up it's own dick in despair.

But still, don't vote for U2. We can't even begin to imagine how smug a smile will appear upon the inexcusable face of Bono, the short-arsed, ant-headed, sanctimonious little git that even someone with the patience of Nelson Mandela secretly despises answering the phone to. However, projections carried out on future-predicting super computers estimate that the grin shall be so smug it can only be rivalled by a man with a cock so enormous it requires a permit just after he has won half of the moon in a game of cards.

If a U2 song wins, politics is dead. Bono will truly believe he is the President of the United States of America and you'll all be forced to bow down at his puny feet like he's General Zod from Superman 2. Except in a worse outfit.

Instead, please vote for Jesus Jones, a British band of the late 80s and early 90s whose legendary appetite for drugs could have killed a baby rhino. What better sight than seeing the former first lady... a woman so utterly without sexual presence that it's not preposterous to imagine she has genitals like a Barbie doll, wave her way into the White House to a song all about destroying your own brain with chemical assistance. What a wonderful moment in politics that would be. It would make that whole 'husband/fluids/dress' thing seem like so long ago.