In Britain, the tabloid press hate Heather Mills McCartney, the doe-eyed dancing uniped. They say she is a money grabbing liar, a malicious former glamour model and prostitute. They have picked her out and vilified her. She is a hate figure, and the people of the UK have responded in kind.
The trouble is, the people don't know why. This is the influence of the gutter press. In fact, if you were to go onto the streets of England and ask a random passer by why they hate Heather Mills McCartney, 36% of the public would blame her for the Virginia Tech massacre, 44% the war in Iraq, 12% the break up of The Beatles and the rest wouldn't have the brains to resist shitting into their own teapot if a magazine told them it was cool. Frankly, I'm surprised every morning when I wake up and look at the front cover of the newspaper to find that she hasn't beaten a disabled child to death with her plastic leg.
As far as I can tell, her only real crime is falling our with Sir Paul McCartney, a man who it's impossible to look at without thinking of your embarrassing uncle dancing at a wedding, smoking a joint with his cool nephew, being sick on his shoes and getting carried home by his furious wife. One things for sure though... if she does get her hands on his millions come the divorce she'll no doubt act like a typical woman and spend it all on shoe. That's my best joke by the way.
Other tabloid hate figures include Pete Doherty, who looks like the end result might if the people who work at Jim Henson's Creature Workshop decided to make a giant muppet based upon a potato. They don't hate him because he's a yellow-fingered drug addict with a piss-weak claim to musical talent, they hate him because he gets to sleep with British fashion icon Kate Moss, which is a bit like having sex with a really attractive exercise bike, but a British fashion icon nonetheless.
Have you spotted a trend yet? That's right, the British hate people who get to have sex with British icons. It's why we don't particularly like Prince Charles (a man whose face is part horse, part scrotum) and it's why we never got on with Yoko Ono (the world's luckiest koala bear). And it's why Heather Mills McCartney should stop answering back, take the money and go and live quietly in a huge mansion somewhere with her good foot in her mouth. Against the British tabloid press, you just can't win.
The trouble is, the people don't know why. This is the influence of the gutter press. In fact, if you were to go onto the streets of England and ask a random passer by why they hate Heather Mills McCartney, 36% of the public would blame her for the Virginia Tech massacre, 44% the war in Iraq, 12% the break up of The Beatles and the rest wouldn't have the brains to resist shitting into their own teapot if a magazine told them it was cool. Frankly, I'm surprised every morning when I wake up and look at the front cover of the newspaper to find that she hasn't beaten a disabled child to death with her plastic leg.
As far as I can tell, her only real crime is falling our with Sir Paul McCartney, a man who it's impossible to look at without thinking of your embarrassing uncle dancing at a wedding, smoking a joint with his cool nephew, being sick on his shoes and getting carried home by his furious wife. One things for sure though... if she does get her hands on his millions come the divorce she'll no doubt act like a typical woman and spend it all on shoe. That's my best joke by the way.
Other tabloid hate figures include Pete Doherty, who looks like the end result might if the people who work at Jim Henson's Creature Workshop decided to make a giant muppet based upon a potato. They don't hate him because he's a yellow-fingered drug addict with a piss-weak claim to musical talent, they hate him because he gets to sleep with British fashion icon Kate Moss, which is a bit like having sex with a really attractive exercise bike, but a British fashion icon nonetheless.
Have you spotted a trend yet? That's right, the British hate people who get to have sex with British icons. It's why we don't particularly like Prince Charles (a man whose face is part horse, part scrotum) and it's why we never got on with Yoko Ono (the world's luckiest koala bear). And it's why Heather Mills McCartney should stop answering back, take the money and go and live quietly in a huge mansion somewhere with her good foot in her mouth. Against the British tabloid press, you just can't win.
5 comments:
Brilliant! Loved it!
Although there is nothing wrong with spending all your money on shoes.
And purses.
On shoe! On shoe! Heather Mills McCartney will spend all that money on shoe!
C'mon, it's my best joke, you have to let me off the misogynist undertones.
The shoe joke was funny. Very entertaining writing, as usual. Love the picture.
Be nice about Kate Moss, she is a fashion icon. She has been my favorite model since her CK ads. Plus, give her credit for the fact she actually does not feel the need to tell the public her every thought and opinion.
-Christi
Kate Moss should have her face blended. Good piece Sir.
Kev
Dave dude your rockin it for sure.
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